Jokes : One Liners

The world does not revolve on an axis.
The world is divided up into two groups of people. Those who think the world is divided up into two groups of people and those who do not.
The worst thing about growing old is having to listen to a lot of advice from one's children.
Then there was the insomniac prowler who was convicted of resisting a rest...
Then there was the undertaker who signed all his letters with Eventually yours.

There are three kinds of people in this world; those that can count, and those that can't.
There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
There are two rules for success in life: Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know.
There are two rules in life: Number 1: Don't tell everything you know.
There are two sides to every issue, and I always agree with both.

Next : There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation., There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love., There is no job so simple that it can not be done wrong., There is no problem so large that it cannot be solved with a suitable application of high explosives., There is no rest for the wary., There is no substitute for good manners...except fast reflexes., There is nothing so asinine that it won't be used in a TV commercial., There is nothing wrong with you that couldn't be cured by cosmetic surgery., There is only one thing that money cannot buy - Poverty!, There is only one way to kill capitalism: taxes, taxes, and more taxes.
Previous : The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first., The time for action is past! Now is the time for senseless bickering! -Ashleigh Brilliant, The town was so small the only way to get there was on a Lionel Train., The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was., The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing., The trouble with some self-made men is that they worship their creator., The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.), The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity., The Universe is a figment of its own imagination., The wind is like the air, only pushier.
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