Jokes : One Liners

There's no future in time travel.
These pills can't be habit forming; I've been taking them for years.
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, Body, how'd you like to go to the nine o'clock class in vigorous toning? Clear as a bell my body said, listen bitch... do it and you die.
They reckon it was the cigarettes that killed him, but he's been smoking for 68 years I don't see why it would kill him now!
They say an elephant never forgets, but what's he got to remember?

They say if you build a better mouse trap, the world will beat down your door. But usually, it's just one neighbor, and he'll probably quit once you stop throwing dead mice in his yard. - Dave James
They say you shouldn't say anything about the dead unless it's good. He's dead. Good.
They told me I was gullible...and I believed them!
Things are getting so bad that 60 minutes is investigating 20/20.
Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

Next : Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with!, THINK! Maybe we can dodge this work., This is a good time to punt work., This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it., This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land., This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over., This place looks like the wizard of oz on mesciline., This sentence no verb., This skeleton goes into a bar, and asks for a beer and a mop..., This won't hurt, I promise.
Previous : There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation., There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love., There is no job so simple that it can not be done wrong., There is no problem so large that it cannot be solved with a suitable application of high explosives., There is no rest for the wary., There is no substitute for good manners...except fast reflexes., There is nothing so asinine that it won't be used in a TV commercial., There is nothing wrong with you that couldn't be cured by cosmetic surgery., There is only one thing that money cannot buy - Poverty!, There is only one way to kill capitalism: taxes, taxes, and more taxes.
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